still trying to heal

I'm having an emotionally hard long weekend. I'm having trouble sleeping because my mind wont shut off, which not only leaves me cranky the next day, but also extra sensitive. Lately while chatting with some friends they've been complaining about their multiple children and as well meaning as they are say "Aren't you glad that you only have 1?" or "you only have 1 so you wouldn't understand". This in turn makes even the simplest things like walking by the baby stuff at Walmart make me want to cry. I was discussing a situation with my mom about the fact that I AM a mom of 3 not 1 and had to take a long pause because I was crying while trying to explain that even though I know what these people are saying and I know that they don't mean to upset me, it still does. I hope that in time comments like this wont hit me so hard, until then I will continue to attempt not to show how hurtful these come off as. People can't tiptoe around me forever right? It's helped a great deal for me to stay at my sisters house. I've been able to have some me time and time with other adults on a more constant basis. I think I really needed that. Hopefully soon I'll be in my own place because I know its crowded here, but I'm so very thankful that I've been able to stay here for a bit, if not only for the emotional support that I've been able to get. My family in MN is very supportive there's just something different when its available when I need it 24/7 (not that I use it that much :) )

Free weekly planner | Menu planner | Homeschooling planner | TheHomeSchoolMom.com

Free weekly planner | Menu planner | Homeschooling planner | TheHomeSchoolMom.com

Life part 2

A lot is happening right now in my life. I'm in the process of moving. With any luck I can get permission to move my daughter out of state. Not sure what the hold up is since her dad already lives a 20 hour drive away. Its frustrating because all I really need is for him to sign something allowing us to and he is refusing. So I had to go to court and now wait for the judge to say if we can or not. Ugh I'm finally not crying everytime I think of the twins. I still do when I talk about them, but I think I can handle their Memorial service now. So we will be doing a Lantern Ceremony this Sunday. I need to do this before we move and Cassie will be home then. Which brings me to the next thing. Cassie will be home either Saturday or early Sunday!!! I'm so very excited :) Between picking up extra shifts since I will be jobless for a bit and cramming in as much time with people here in MN before I leave. I have extremely limited free time. So what do I do, pick up an illustrator contract. Cause we all know I need to work on something that takes me so very long to complete one picture because of my perfectionist issues when it comes to art and get saddled with time restrictions. I'm extremely happy with the job and love that these people have enough faith in my abilities that they hired me, but I'm starting to feel the pressure and I've only done 5 usable pictures. I'm hoping some time away will ease some of the stress. Oh and lastly, I've started working out again. I've been getting in between 1.5 and 2 hours of exercise in a day. I'm hoping that I can keep this up after Cassie comes home and we move.

Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of the day I pledged to God and the world that I would love my husband "til death do us part." There goes that pledge! I think God and the world should be congratulating me on breaking that pledge… I assumed this would be a hard day for me to get through. However in fact, I didn’t even remember that it was my anniversary until just a little bit ago. I’ve decided to take a different approach to the day. I’m actually rejoicing. I loved being married. I loved always having a date for Friday night (if we ACTUALLY did something), having someone tell me I was loved and someone to snuggle up to at night. I’m using my wedding anniversary as a celebration of the happiness and love I felt for Aaron during our relationship. No more happiness and love, but also no more fighting and betrayal. Not as much fun as my wedding day mind you. No flowers, no cake, no gifts. So far no one has given me an envelope with cash in it (to those who do want to give me an envelope with cash in it feel free to and I gladly accept personal checks ;)!) No fun dress shopping or champagne to celebrate this day. But I accept all the good times I had with Aaron as well as I am forced to deal with all the bad times too. Someday I will flip through my wedding album exclaiming to Cassie how happy and in love her parents were and how much I was glad that day happened. I'm choosing to use this day to celebrate that I was once in love…and that I have the great fortune not to keep celebrating this anniversary with someone who I was not meant to be with “til death do us part”! I thank God I only had eight anniversaries with him and not eighty! Happy Anniversary to me!

life happens

This is an extremely overdue post. I know that I keep saying this but here it is again 'I'm a bad blogger' I forget about posting. Lately its due to the fact that I am in the process of moving. Cassie and I need a fresh start and frankly I just can't afford our current place and this point in my life. I prayed and prayed about what to do, where we should go and when. What came to me was that I need to move to Michigan and go when Cassie gets back from her dads. I hate the thought of going someplace that I have no friends and limited family (my other option that I was strongly debating was Oregon where I have plenty of both). My sister, brother-in law and their kids are there. I feel like there's this strong pull for me to go there. Like we are meant to at this point in our lives to move to be by her. Everything seems to be falling into place as far as moving there is concerned and I feel really good about it. In fact so does Cassie. The day after we discussed it she came to me and said "I feel really good about this" and I said about what. She's like "the move, its going to be really good for us". So on July 23rd we are heading to Michigan. I will very much miss my family here, my friends and work. Plus taking Cassie away from her family, friends and the only life she's known. But like she said this will be good for us. We need the fresh start and to make new memories that don't constantly remind me of the life that Aaron and I had built or in the process of building. I still have to get his "permission" to move out of state or petition the court. I hate that clause. He moved to PA and didn't have to ask me if he could. But that's MN law, in order to remove the child from the state you do. With any luck he will do the right thing since it gets cassie 7 hours closer to him. On to other things.. Cassie left Memorial weekend to go stay with Aaron in PA until July 15th (well 21st because I'm being nice and allowing his parents the extra time to go pick her up and not have to rush back). I miss her ALOT. We talk at least twice a day which is nice and I can't wait for 8am to roll around because we are going to Skype :) She seems to be having a good time. I'm getting late night calls with her upset that she can't sleep and last night she was crying because Aaron yelled at her for talking to me so much. I understand that this is his time with her, but its not like were talking for hours on end. We talk for about 5 mins (sometimes less). I have never limited his communication with her. The only thing is a few times he called after she was asleep and I wasn't going to wake her. Its not our fault that he chooses to only call once or twice a week when she's home. So other then that, I think she's doing good. I'll be out of our house this Friday and then my life will slow down some. This leads to more free time to blog or do whatever. too bad I have no social life so therefore nothing to blog about...lol I'm sure I'll find something to update you all on.

new quotes

Look 2 posts in 1 day!!

I've been reading another blog and found some quotes that I LOVE and thought I'd share with you all. None of these had who said them.

1. I'm a card carrying member of the Scale Whore Society

2. If hunger isn't the problem, then eating isn't the solution

3. What you eat in private is what you wear in public

4. Genetics loads the gun, but behavior pulls the trigger

I'm a bad blogger. Its been almost a month since i last posted. My excuse, my computers acting funny. Hmm a trip to my sisters seems to be in need.

Nothing much has changed since my last post. My weight has stayed the same going from 208 to 209. Not that i've put a ton of effort into losing. I do my DVD's at least 3 times a week and my diet is consistant. Now that I have insurance again, I have a doc appt on the 19th. I'm very excited about it. Odd I know lol

The 19th is also my divorce court date. This date has been 9 months in the making and it can not come soon enough. Its funny how much things change in a year. When I called to set up my appt I realized that this time last year I had went in to start fertility treatments. Since Aaron and I were finally in a good spot in our marrage to want to put that kind of effort into having another baby. Little did I know that would all change in 3 months. Either he's changed a ton over the course of a year or I just didn't see it before. He's such an ass now and I'm so very thankful to be divorced from him soon. Some friends and I are going out to celebrate on the 21st :) can't wait!